If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.