i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.