I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
A roof is a house hat.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
iPhone X
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.