@BonaFideIntent: I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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@jannable9: *Food arrives* *Waits 3 days* *Slowly takes bite of food* *Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage* HOW IS EVERYTHING??
@brycoo: [HR office] Do you know why we called you in today? To give me a pay rise? No. Because I googled 'How to burn down office' 600 times? Yes.
@HandyJack420: Wait...so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face? -me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
@NikiWithIssues: I hate airplanes and flying. It's like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.