@slimmy_shady: I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
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@SocialBitterfly: *one day before marriage* Parents: Don't talk to the groom. Don't see him. Don't think. *one day after marriage* Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
@_wendyb07: Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I'm filling it with pancake syrup.
@GashleyMadison: "For a really awkward time, call me." -me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
@Coops_Bradley: That's a really big gun in your pants. And that's how you get out of a speeding ticket.