I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
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[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
c’mon!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate