I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
You Might Also Like
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.