@TheAlexNevil: I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: "If I wasn't already dead, your outfit would've killed me".
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@UrbanDouchebag: I wonder if flies ever think, "I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face." Because they'd be right.
@sad_tree: *A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can't because he's choking on all of the axe body spray I'm wearing*
@my_minivan_life: Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
@BromanConsul: "Is your refrigerator running?" "Hasn't decided yet," I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A "FRIDGE 2016" banner hangs above him