I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
It be like that sometimes 😆
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.