I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.