Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.