I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”