I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
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Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Beware of the dog..
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.