I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
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Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine