I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
#StillHurts
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.