I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
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Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I post đźź©đźź©đźź©đźź©đźź© on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
translated into Canadian
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
adam and eve had first world problems
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?