I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
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“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.