I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe