I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Bloody internet 😳
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”