I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I think they could have phrased this better
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food