@Breadery: I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
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@zachreinert03: Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*
@markhoppus: i appreciate the song "the boys are back in town" because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?