I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
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It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.