Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
and this one
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?