@crunchenhanced: I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
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@daemonic3: [trying to impress fiancée's entire family] Waiter: Your bill for- Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE "SUBTOTAL"?!?
@specialhug: People ask me the secret of a good tweet. It's called "proof-reading". Perhaps you've hard of it
@AbbyHasIssues: "Well-behaved women seldom make history," I whisper as I don't wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.