I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
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Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus