I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
You Might Also Like
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”