Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Happy thanksgiving
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*