Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
You Might Also Like
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Not all heroes wear capes….
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.