I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
You Might Also Like
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes