“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
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My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.