“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
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I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
🤣😂🤣
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS