I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
You Might Also Like
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I get distracted pretty eas
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Where is your GOD now????