6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
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*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Autocorrect is my menesis
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
hey, alexa
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.