I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Perfect.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.