I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.