I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
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inventing words: clothing
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.