I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
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Bro what is this
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
another case of gang violins
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.