I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist