I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Not today.. 😂