I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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saving face 👀
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Warm pools make me nervous.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.