I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
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50 shades of grey = my Liver
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you