I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Battery falling down a hole
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
what the
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.