I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Europe. Made in Germany.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this: