still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.