@hgracestewart: I try to live each day like it's my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
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@longwall26: A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
@Breadery: *Sat talking to a girl at a bar* Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely. Me: I AM SMELLING YOU Brain: Why do you hate me?
@onion_an: [at aquarium] That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank. "Octopi" Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.