@hgracestewart: I try to live each day like it's my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
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@TheBoydP: Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
@Tmoney68: [Job Interview] Boss: What's your biggest weakness? Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him* Card: "My over-preparedness."
@ddsmidt: The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked. She mouthed “thank you.” Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
@shkeeber: 1. Dial random number. 2. Wait for answering machine. 3. Say "My wife is out of town, I miss you". 4. Hang up. 5. Happy Valentine's Day.