I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies