I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I am crying
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…