GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.