(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
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me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.