They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.