@Donna_McCoy: I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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@ag_loco: Dear Canadians, Who's the cutest little nation? You are! Yes you are! *pinches cheeks*
@HausOfAustin: Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.
@robfee: Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
@Coolisiana: INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness? ME: INTERVIEWER: ME: MY MOTHER: He's not good at speaking up for himself