I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
January has been Januweary
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.