I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My biological clock is wheezing.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
You’ll be OK
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it