I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
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The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
#Caturday
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign